Today I Cry

Tears are running down my cheeks and my heart is hurting. I have just finished reading the obituary for my beloved oldest brother. No fair, its too soon, it should not have happened. I cannot believe that he is gone. Its just does not seem right.

We have no say in these things, we do not get to decide and as much as I hate it sometimes I have come to believe that things in life happen as they are supposed to and there is a reason for it. This does not mean I don't take some time to rage at the situation. I do, I hate the fact that so many people who were dear to me are gone but I also try to accept and move on. Nothing to be gained by being bitter, just be thankful you had them for the time that you did.

The Historian and me 

I will miss him terribly. Another much loved member of my family gone but I want to celebrate the fact that I got to have my good brother for the time that I did.  There is a poem in his obituary that encourages those who are left to mourn his passing, to not be bitter and sad but celebrate him and be glad he was a part of our lives. Its lovely.

You can shed tears that he is gone, 
or you can smile because he has lived. 
You can close your eyes and pray that he'll come back, 
or you can open your eyes and see all he's left. 
Your heart can be empty because you can't see him, 
or you can be full of the love you shared. 
You can turn your back on tomorrow and live yesterday, 
or you can be happy for tomorrow because of yesterday. 
You can remember him only that he is gone, 
or you can cherish his memory and let it live on. 
You can cry and close your mind, 
or you can do what he'd want: 
Smile, open your eyes, love and go on. 
-David Harkins 

There is 13 years difference in our ages, the Historian and I. He graduated from high school in June and I started to grade one the same year. We really did not grow up together but he was always an important piece of my life.

The Historian off to his grad ,

 I got to stay home with the Carpenter and Grandma.

 I will miss our weekly phone calls. I will miss hearing the pride in his voice as he passed on stories about his grandchildren. One very fond memory of him is watching him do a happy shuffle dance in my dining room the day he found out he was going to be a Grandpa for the first time.  I will miss hearing the family history discoveries and I will even miss the "I got no news but just wanted to touch base". I resent the deafness that stole the last few conversations we may have had but I treasure the text messages that took their place.

He was a good man, loving and supportive to his family and friends. crusty and stubborn at times but that is a family trait.  On the whole one of the better ones. He was a good brother to me. Always concerned that I was ok. He showed this in a hundred little ways and I loved him for it. Making sure I called when I got home from a visit with him. Reprimanding me when I failed to text frequently enough while on holiday out of the province or out of the country.  So many other little ways, I could never name them all. He gave me my first Barbie doll and my first nephew and niece. Now he is gone and all these memories are all the more precious.

The Carpenter, the Historian and Me. 

Now we are two.  

He will be missed but oh I am all the richer for having him in my life.

Love much Big Bro!!
Sis